What Parents Need to Know
“My teenager is so disrespectful.”
I hear this at least once a week in my practice. Parents come in frustrated, sometimes at their wit’s end, because their once-compliant child now questions everything, pushes back, and seems to challenge them at every turn.
Here’s what I’ve learned after 25 years of working with families: what parents call “disrespect” is often something else entirely. And understanding the difference can change everything about how you approach your relationship with your teen.
The Job of Adolescence
Teenagers have a developmental job to do, and it’s not an easy one – for them or for you. Their job is to figure out who they are apart from you. To develop their own thoughts, opinions, and identity. To pull away from the family unit enough to eventually become independent adults.
This pulling away isn’t disrespect. It’s growth.
When your 14-year-old questions why they have to be home by 10 pm, they’re not being disrespectful. They’re practicing critical thinking and learning to advocate for themselves. When your 16-year-old doesn’t want to spend every Sunday at grandma’s house anymore, they’re not rejecting family values. They’re developing their own social world and priorities.
That doesn’t mean there are no boundaries or that anything goes. It means we need to understand what we’re actually dealing with.
Respect vs. Obedience: They’re Not the Same Thing
Here’s where things get tricky. Many parents say they want respect when what they actually want is obedience. Compliance. Agreement. A child who does what they’re told without question.
But respect is something different. Respect is about how we treat each other – the tone we use, the consideration we show, the dignity we offer one another. You can disagree with someone respectfully. You can have your own opinion and still treat someone with respect.
When a teen says, “I don’t think that’s fair, and here’s why,” that’s not disrespect. That might actually be respectful disagreement – they’re engaging with you, explaining their thinking, treating you as someone worth reasoning with.
Disrespect looks different. It’s name-calling, contempt, cruelty, or dismissiveness. It’s “whatever” with an eye roll and a door slam. It’s refusing to engage at all.
The question worth asking yourself: Am I upset because my child is being genuinely disrespectful, or am I upset because they’re not complying with what I want?
Kids Learn Respect by Watching Us
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: children learn how to treat people by watching how we treat people.
If we speak rudely to service workers, our kids notice. If we’re impatient with the waitress or dismissive of the customer service representative, our kids are learning what’s acceptable. If we demand respect from them but don’t show respect to others, the message gets confusing fast.
I’ve sat with parents who are genuinely baffled by their child’s “disrespectful” behavior, and then I’ve watched those same parents speak harshly to my admin staff on their way out. The connection isn’t always obvious to them, but it’s there.
Respect is a two-way street, and it starts with us modeling what it actually looks like.
What Actually Helps
So what do you do when you’re genuinely struggling with your teenager’s behavior?
Get curious instead of furious. When your teen pushes back, ask yourself what they might be trying to accomplish developmentally. Are they practicing independence? Testing boundaries? Trying to be heard?
Distinguish between negotiables and non-negotiables. Some things aren’t up for debate – safety issues, family values that truly matter to you. But a lot of daily conflicts are actually negotiable. Pick your battles. Does it really matter if they don’t want to go to the family reunion?
Model the respect you want to see. Speak to your teen the way you’d speak to an adult you respect – even when you’re setting a limit or saying no. You can be firm and kind at the same time.
Listen before you respond. When your teen disagrees with you, try actually hearing them out before you shut them down. You don’t have to agree, but you can show them their perspective matters.
Acknowledge the hard parts. Adolescence is legitimately difficult. Your teen is dealing with huge physical, emotional, and social changes. A little empathy goes a long way.
The Bottom Line
If you’re struggling with your teenager, you’re not alone. This developmental stage is hard on everyone. But reframing “disrespect” as development – and being honest about whether you’re really asking for respect or just compliance – can shift your entire approach.
The goal isn’t to raise an obedient child. The goal is to raise an adult who knows how to think for themselves, advocate for their needs, and treat others with genuine respect. That process starts now, messy as it is.
If you’re finding yourself stuck in constant conflict with your teen, family therapy can help. Sometimes having a neutral third party creates space for everyone to be heard and find a healthier way forward.
Lake Conroe Counseling Center offers family therapy and support for parents navigating the challenges of raising adolescents. If you’d like to schedule a consultation, contact us at 936-449-8053.